High Quality Friend

I was thinking about making this a post for a while, and I already had a bit written, so here are my thoughts on high quality friendships; how I think you they work best, how they teach us a lot in life, how they can shape us, how to maintain them, etc.

Previously, high quality friendships had never really been a concept for me to consider. I knew those in my life that were my friends are people that I like. But when I actually considered which of my friendships were high quality, I feel like I had a lot of reflecting to do. Like, was I just being friends with people to hold that relation, that connection to this person and their resources? Was it clout? Or, was I friends with someone just out of convenience? It all made me consider who I actually wanted to keep around in my life. Especially with how the previous year went, letting go of those who I thought were high quality friends but in reality were not at all, I feel like I am now at a place where I can truly decide whether or not a friendship I have is high quality. And honestly, it helps me decide if I want to keep or let go of those friendships too.

My criteria (lol) for deciding if my friendship is high quality typically requires these things: clear communication, trust, action, respect, support, and honesty- even if it requires calling them out. If someone isn’t going to communicate with me in a clear way, then how can you rely on them for other thing? Their communication reflects their engagement in the friendship, at least that’s my opinion. Trust is big because why would you be friends with someone who isn’t capable of holding onto your deepest darkest secrets? Action to me means putting your words and commitments in motion, and having enough respect for each others time to do so. Likewise to trust, but again, why would you be friends with someone you don’t respect? And then support and honesty are really really important because I feel as though you can offer someone support while still being honest at the same time. Sometimes, if you come across decisions or actions that will come at the cost of your morals or values, it’s good to be called on it because it allows for a deeper self analysis to be done. Like, yea, why am I going to make this decision? It would be wrong in every way, and it might even end up hurting someone else. It is good to have someone to call you out on your actions and decisions because it truly encourages growth. I would find myself staying in these friendships that offer a sense of comfortability because all they would do was hype me up on all of my actions, even when they weren’t okay. I look back and think, no wonder I wasn’t able to grow in any way, because I was in an environment that was allowing of anything and everything, regardless of the expense it would cost others or even myself.

I started by listing my criteria, because I think it ties into every other aspect of maintaining a friendship and, not only that, but growing as a person. The thing that helped me learn the most about myself, specifically, was honesty and being held accountable. I do think a true friend would call you out if your actions seem a little weary. I came across a situation where my friend had crossed a very clear boundary of another friend of ours, and I immediately thought to call them out for it. Making bad decisions usually costs others’ feelings, and to not be held accountable for that is just allowing them to basically treat not only people, but someone who they considered a close friend, terribly. This action was then repeated, over, and over again. And now, I am no longer friends with this person. So yes, being friends with someone who is going to continuously grant well wishes on those to make poor decisions over and over again really is a deal breaker. And just a sign that there are shitty people in this world. Upon realizing that I did not want to be the only one to call my friends out on their shit, I started surrounding myself with those that I know would do the same for me. I think it makes stronger as a friend sometimes, and just a better person overall.

I used to also think that a good friendship takes constant effort, and needs to be nurtured over time in a consistent manner. My therapist disagrees, but I genuinely think that the attention given to friendship does need to have some sort of agreed upon boundary, that perhaps offers both parties of the friendship to be acknowledged and cared for still. That’s not to say that friendships that are more long distanced or don’t need some sort communication everyday, but I do think that is also what differentiates a higher quality friendship from any other relationship to a person. I also will say this considering the idea that you can at one time have a high quality friendship with a person, and it can fizzle out as well, and maybe gain more quality later on. I think the scope shouldn’t be so narrow, rather offer just an overall notion that a high quality, presently held friendship with someone should consider to be constantly present for both parties, at least according to whatever standard or expectation or boundary that is set. From my perspective, I think the problem with this in previous friendships was that there wasn’t much checking in happening. And it felt more like a connection between someone without emotional depth. Furthermore, I think consistent attention to a high quality friendship does offer a sense of emotional understanding and support, which I do think all friendships should have.

Not to call on the emotionally unavailable, but I do think that is what differentiates friendships as well. I think especially in co-ed friendships, that can emotional connection and support can really lack, making it harder to consider as a high quality friendship- or even just a real friendship. Because wouldn’t you want a friend you can actually connect with on a deeper level to. This can be a consequence of social conditioning, or just only being interested in a different kind of relationship with someone.. **cough cough(friendcest). And then that can even be tied into true intention and makes you question or not anything is real between this particular kind of friendship. Anyways, I’m getting off track. I think that overall emotional availability is what allows us to be vulnerable with each other, safe with each other, and comfortable to share personal things. And by targeting friendcest, I don’t mean to directly call out those that inevitably end up there, but I do think there is often a disconnect between at least one party a lot of the time because it really should be differentiated in the beginning (i.e. Is this a romantic or platonic relationship?) Then you can work on whatever relationship is defined. I could go on an on about how I truly don’t think it’s fair to put an entire friendship through the possibility of it being more than that if that wasn’t originally defined. Otherwise, it is a complete waste of time. Not to mention, what about the other people involved. In a friend group, when people decide to start dating, especially without consulting each and every party, it can become very messy. New boundaries are then put in place, and it can then be awkward for everyone else including those in a romantic relationship. It just isn’t really fair in my opinion. But that is why I am saying, to have emotional availability and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with a friend, makes it much more of a clear friendship, both same sex or co-ed.

With all of this being said, I do think high quality friendships might not be in everyone’s agenda, but it is something I do consider now when either choosing friends, or coming to realize if someone I have been around is actually a high quality friend. It helps me distinguish a support system, but also helps me grow as a person. For now, that’s all I have to say about this topic.. I might add on some more later in another post, but this was all on my mind for some time, so I wanted to put it out there.