Betrayal

Edvard Munch, Ashes (1894)

If you haven’t read my first blog post, I essentially speak about a new transition in my life. One where I am moving out from a previous living arrangement, but also a personal situation that has left me feeling as if I am moving into a new phase of life. It’s been going great, but there is this one thing that is at the brunt of all of this, and all of what was left behind. That is: my anger and grief around being betrayed.

To give more context, I am writing about a situation, and also relationship(s) that have made a significant impact on my life. Specifically, the betrayal I have been feeling, but also what they have done to me and our entire relationship. I won’t get into the exact details of what was done, because it honestly feels too graphic and also far too dramatic to get into, but I’ll share how it made me feel and how it made me learn.

Let me start by just asking you this: is it not our civil duty, as humans on this Earth, to not do harm onto others? Or, at least to minimize the harm we do? I ask you this because, as humans, we make mistakes, and sometimes harm is inevitable. But, to me, it seems as though it would be common knowledge that we learn from our mistakes the first time. I guess in this case, it wasn’t. Maybe it never will be to them. And it’s one thing to do harm to another person unconsciously, but to do it, willingly, knowing it is for your own gain, and at someone else’s expense, is just cruel. It’s these types of people that always say things like “I don’t owe them anything” too, and to act as though they bear no consequences. Hearing that alone, should’ve been my first sign to leave. It should’ve told me right away that they would do something in the future to cross me, my own boundaries, our boundaries as a collective, as a friend or whatever we were. Because I do feel like, naturally, we should know where the lines are, and to act like you don’t is what confuses me. To actively choose to see how your actions might hurt another person, better yet, one of the people closest to you in life, and still go forward with those actions… You clearly do NOT care. You are selfish. You’re not naive, you’re just cruel.

And yet, still to this day, I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that what they did, was not out of malice, and they maybe had a bad day, or something happened. I still see myself as someone who once had a lot of love for them and all that we had, and it leads me to create so many reasons and excuses as to why they did what they did. But then I’m also met with so much anger, more anger than that feeling of remorse. In fact, my skin is quite literally hot with it. I want to cuss them out, I want to scream in their faces, pull their hair, cause the same feeling as they have done to me. So yes, the bitterness is definitely still there amongst the love I have. I never got to tell them “fuck you”. “Fuck you for doing that to me. Fuck you for silencing me through your actions. Fuck you for speaking to me the way you did. Fuck you for touching the way you did, traumatizing me the way you did. Fuck you for causing that sort of harm onto me.” Because, to be honest, I feel it almost everyday. I’m reminded of it through the little bit of contact we still have with each other. To see them thriving, or even “getting away with their actions” is the worst reminder. Because, again, how could your actions—actions that have caused me so much pain— leave you happy? Why am I left with all this pain?

And where to go from here? I can truly, physically, only remove so much access.. At least for right now. I removed location access. That felt like a hard one. But the other ways in which we are still connected, still remind me of it, remind me of them. I just know, I could never be around someone who would inflict that kind of harm on me again. I never want to feel that way again. To feel as though I actually call into question the reality in which I live. The self doubt, blind-sidedness I feel. Not being able to trust anyone. It’s quite a terrible feeling, I wouldn’t even wish it on my worst enemy. The worst part about this is the fact that I keep being told I need to rise above. Rise above the entire situation, rise above them. But I can’t sit with myself peacefully anymore, and I feel as though that is a fair response in most cases, but I do think some people need to be held accountable. I truly can’t stand people that think these types of actions are okay, and I’m done pretending what they did never happened or doesn’t bother me. Because it does.

When I talk about this with my boyfriend, best friend, or my parents, and I bring up forgiveness, and if I would forgive them ever (not that they ever even apologized or have come to the realization of their actions). But I truly don’t think I would. In this scenario, honestly- in any scenario of betrayal, I don’t think forgiveness is always necessary, unless it’s to yourself. I am not a victim of circumstance, and actions like these do not just happen, over and over. I hear the story they share, the position they were in, but if I was in that position, I, still, would not have done that to them. To anyone. And that is a scenario that no one should have to grant forgiveness to. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Lesson learned: trust your gut, trust the actions of others after the first time, set boundaries, hold people accountable. I truly believe if a relationship, whether it be a friendship or a romantic relationship meant anything, you would hold the boundaries that are most expected in any relationship. DON’T WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO DO THEIR BIG ONE, TO SEE THEIR TRUE COLORS! Another life lesson is that it is okay to move on from people, it is okay to outgrow people, and it is okay to not forgive. Grant kindness and grace to yourself by listening to yourself and respecting your own boundaries. Oh… and don’t be friends with anyone that is capable of grotesque acts such as assault! (IN FRONT OF THEIR GF AND ALL MY FRIENDS)… spoiler: they will stay together (not as friends but LOVASSS), and they WILL all betray you.